you had your chance

i think if god wanted me to be a super christian again he missed his chance. when i met stephanie she embodied what i always wanted as a christian woman growing up. she was perfect. deeply caring for other people, sweet and generous. i knew she was special. stephanie made me feel like the old school justin i used to be. it felt right.

the difference between her and i is what holds her back is what holds me together. questions without answers, hope without fear, passion without preservation. all the things that made sense to me made no sense to her. she didn't see christianity the way i did. i could see in her trembling eyes it scared her. the cost of stepping out of what she's always done scared her. the cost of asking questions that she thought she knew the answers to drove her away.

i wanted to change back to who i was but i couldn't. what was lost will never be recovered. i am different now. emerging on sadistic maybe, but entirely normal, hopefully. i feel real now like i can connect with any anywhere in the world and it would be true. strange that i now get along better with people who don't associate themselves with christianity.

there will always be a part of me that misses stephanie. not because i loved her but because i loved the idea of her bringing me back to my old self and saving me from who i'm becoming. but then i died and everything that used to live in me is being rebirthed. i am living again and feel more full of life than ever.