i figured it out today. i narrowed down my somewhat miserable fucked up existents into a one liner. this one line explains how i've been reacting to relationships over the last year.
i leave people before they leave me.
i have this absolute fear that people are going to leave me. everyone knows why, but what i don't know is why i can't stop leaving. at a certain point in our relationship i just back out. stop. walk away. no talking. no time. no matter how close i become with a person, i just walk out. i can't tell you at what point this happens or why.
left my wife in california.
left two best friends in la.
left a community full of amazing people.
left a friend.
left a girl.
left a lover.
leaving another friend.
i'm steam rolling these people and they are getting hurt one after the other. it's not like they haven't hurt me, they have. some of them greatly, but they don't deserve this. if you knew me in my early days, you'd know i wasn't like this. i was a consistent, stable person. i was always attracted to stable people because we had such commonality. now i'm kind of the opposite. deep down i'm still in there somewhere, i just can't seem to find it.
left two best friends in la.
left a community full of amazing people.
left a friend.
left a girl.
left a lover.
leaving another friend.
i'm steam rolling these people and they are getting hurt one after the other. it's not like they haven't hurt me, they have. some of them greatly, but they don't deserve this. if you knew me in my early days, you'd know i wasn't like this. i was a consistent, stable person. i was always attracted to stable people because we had such commonality. now i'm kind of the opposite. deep down i'm still in there somewhere, i just can't seem to find it.
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14 comments:
I completly understand u..Not only do i know i leave people b4 they leave me.I've come up with the time limit..8 months and then somethin says u gotta go..and i leave..The first step is acknowledging your fault and u did it so take another one...:)
-"You Can't Lose Me", O-Town
You can lose your faith in loving
You can lose the will to trust, you'll see
You can't lose me
You can lose control let loose your senses
Lose your strength lose your defenses
You'll see, you'll see, you'll see
You can't lose me
You can't lose me cause I'm not leaving
You can't lose me cause I won't go
I'm gonna be there like a shadow you won't ever be alone
I'll be the sun that shines above you
All around you everywhere
I'll be there
You can lose your way, lose your possessions
Lose your mind and lose direction
You'll see, you'll see, you'll see
You can't lose me
You can lose your way, lose your possessions
Lose your mind and lose direction
You'll see, you'll see, you'll see
You can't lose me
You can lose your faith
You can lose your way
I'm gonna be there
This will never change
No no no no no
You can't lose me...lose me
Interesting.
I know O-town is cheesy, but the lyrics speak for themself.
hey, at least they weren't vanilla ice lyrics. i probably would had to delete that one:)
Thank you J.
I would never go that far-he's such a punk!
i wish you would let us remind you.
fuck stability it only gets your heart broken. I was in love I was stable and now I am missing both.
Anon, I think most of us, or at least I myself have been there too.
We've had hearts broken, close friends and family taken from us- had a point when everything was going right but then it seemed to all fall apart within out lives. And we just wanted to say Fuck the world and life, but if you do and just run or hide yourself away and don't let anyone near you then eventually you will be sadder and more alone then if you had taken the risk. to opening yourself up. Ive had a ton of people leave me and I have left some as well, but I still would rather have companionship and take what may be multiple risks on people then to never know what 'might have been'.
My my this has turned into quite the Dr. Phill show
thats a cop out
Ash, I think you better write another blog soon-
You dont leave you place us on lines and cast us out. You pull us taunt evert now and then when its convienent for you. But sometimes you have too many lines and they get crossed. However, you are unaware and we have to untangle ourselves. Luckily we are able to do so without harming one another.......your inabliity to detangle is your own problem but just be aware we know.
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