i've decided to stay.
everything in me struggled over this decision. first it was denver, then california, and most recently nashville. but for the time being, at least the next month or two [when the lease runs out], i'll be right here in muncie.
several things have led me to this. extremely difficult circumstances over the last several months have made me want to bolt. like the fastest jet, i wanted to fly somewhere far far away [ask for my secret blog regarding the dirty details of my chaotic and neurotic story - i probably won't accept you, but you can try].
thing one: i didn't want to stay because i have a deep and ugly feeling that i'm going to lose the intimacy and closeness i have with these six friends who reside in california. i also feared my ex getting closer and closer to my friends while i slowly lost them. losing a wife, six best friends, a home and a family, i was not ready to walk away. what happened, happened. what happens next will either take me into deeper evils or a greater good. one of the many things i will fight is not getting bitter all over again that my ex "wins" round two.
thing two: my family is amazing. i think standing at my house with this hugely diverse group of over 40 people made me realize there are people that love me right here. i don't have to chase my friends around the country looking for fulfillment and happiness. unfortunately, friends don't tend to stay around as long as family. family tends to always be there. see, there is a strong connection and commitment that blood has with one another. in the end, every person or couple does their own thing. it's time for me to do mine.
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5 comments:
friends will always travel and move around the world but whats so amazing about life is the power of communication. Stay where life makes you happy because as long as there is communication you can go anywhere.
true. unfortunately i suck at that and a lot of my friends do too:) you're right though - if there is a way to stay connected, it is the communication.
well i am happy. surely in two months i get get one heorot visit in with you. haha.
baby, i want you to be so so so happy. the reality is that happiness comes only from within us. it is never a constant. it's not promised to us. i once thought i had arrived to the happiest place one could find. only to find myself in utter destruction, loss, regret and more depressed than i thought possible. the reality of your life is that i will love you no matter where you are!
Isn't life funny like that.. I myself have tried to find happiness in other things, and when I was younger I couldn't wait to leave my family and home, but as time has gone on I have too realized that they are everything and most of the time will never change and always love and support you.
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