something i regret.
something i will never forget [even though i can't remember].
as a friend, lover, sinner, saint, fighter, brother, please forgive me.
i began my decent around 1am. if you know my routine i usually work until 9pm, go home, eat and shower, then hit the village [or heorot] around 11pm or 12am. i never get home before 4am - if at all.
i got off late from work, so i met some friends at the bird. we had a few drinks and bounced around a few places. somewhere in between all of this i ended up in a brick walled narrow alley on the wet ground, utterly alone. I spent the next 60 minutes puking and getting arrested, almost. [photo from the alley, don't ask how or why]
so then i did one of the dumbest things i've ever done. i started texting my ex-wife. why? in the middle of the night, why would i make such a foolish decision? oh, that's right, the alcohol did it, not me. this was our actual text conversation...
JJ: Dammit, why'd u settle? Sorry im drunk don't respond. . .. 1:31am
JJ: honesty sorryy, dont think im an idiot 1:34am
JL: i Don't. Drunky j...just don't say anything u'll regret :-) 2:06am
JJ: i still love you. im ross 3:00am [i have zero recollection of sending this message]
JL: Jus what r u doing? How r u? 3:16am
JJ: Bad, in an alley 3:18am
JL: U want to talk? Let's talk. I'd lv to know what's going on w u 3:18am
JJ: Trouble
JL: Not trouble...we shld talk 3:21am
JL: Right? What r u up to tonight? Hving fun? 3:45am
you need to know that jes and i have spoken only one time since I left california. one time in 9 months. so this conversation is huge. it was incredible to hear her say she wanted to talk to me. something that shouldn't be a big deal 9 months after the split. but it was.
low points come and go, but this was as bad as i've ever been. i'm truly sorry.
[next post: hartBreaker.]
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1 comment:
Justin,
Thanks for opening yourself up and writing this, all of this. Alot of the time we think no one else is as screwed up as we are or has life tragedy's..but we all do. We are all human, and that makes us stupid..so much of the time it makes us stupid and feeling as if we are all alone. Were not though, I have and have had many moments of my own. Different absolutley, but non the less similar in emotion and thought as well as in the things I say and do. But I would neve publish or tell another at least not in this way. And you are, your giving more then a glimpse of yourself and helping us all realize that it's ok what we say and do is ok were not the only crazy or lonley or whatever people out there. You'll rise again.
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