collapse and coping

i think most people i know are very strong people.
stronger than i.
it's in the way they talk and in the way the handle things.

me, i can't handle things. it used to be that if anything bad or difficult happened i turned to my faith and my god. about two years ago i began seeing things differently. i wish i had that faith and that god because my perspective and decisions on how i cope seemed so much easier. now when things collapse, i fall apart.

nothing to lean on.
no one to lean on.

so i turn my attention towards things that make high schoolers look immature. booze and cigarette's. why are they so enjoyable and (for awhile) satisfying? have you ever smoked an american spirit menthol after a long depressing day at work? or after having a martini with a friend or stranger? i think i'm at my peak (insert semi-sarcastic look) when bumming a smoke off a stranger and then having an interesting conversation.
yet when i wake up the next day with a crushing headache and smelly jacket i wonder what happened to me. what happened to the kid who had all the answers and knew who he was and knew what it took to be satisfied in the midst of tragedy. so here's what I've learned;

tragedy is just easier with people.

so now, the only healthy things i turn to are my friends and my music. for now at least, that is all i know how to lean on. when i put on my sony MDR studio headphones and listen to a Damien Rice song "9 crimes" or Ray Lamontagne's "empty" I feel so deeply connected to my tragedy that somehow everything is going to be ok. That other people have dealt with it and survived. i guess i will too and so will you.