divocred pastor at twenty what?

You need to know right off the bat this is going to be a very honest, ugly, and awkward blog on what life is like on the other end of things. It may be aggravating to anyone who hypothetically "has it all figured out". You may hear tones of liberalism as well as disturbing details of my life. Why?

Because I've changed.
Because what I believe today is different than it was yesterday.
In some ways I am lost and confused.
I have days when I want to be good and days when I want to be bad.
I have days when I get drunk and days when I go to church and play in the band (sober, mostly).

I spent eight semesters at an Indiana Wesleyan University studying Christian Ministry. Following school I spent two years as a Music Pastor at College Church with big dreams to continue ministry for the rest of my life. [follow this link for some of the vision I had during ministry; http://worshipers.squarespace.com/]
As I read my past hopes and dreams I realize the change in me is so drastic that everything I once dreamed of is gone. It has been replaced with new dreams, dreams of a different layout to my life. What's interesting is that it still encompasses the most important things.

People. Faith.

Being out of ministry for so long shows that deep in my bones is a call to serve and love other people. My greatest desire is to be connected to something bigger than just me. I'm great and all, but to fulfill what I am called to takes more than an individual. It takes a group. People. Pocket communities who get things done for the greater good of humanity.

So where do I fit? If you know me at all right now you'd say I'm pretty damn liberal. Whether it's supporting the gay community or voting democratic, I have changed. Fitting into the majority of evangelical churches seems incomprehensible.

For as long as I can remember I had wanted to be married. I dreamed of marital bliss being absolutely head over heels in love with my wife. I dreamed of a ministry position that would capture my deepest fulfillment's as a person as well as move others deeper into faith. Well, you already know the ending. I am neither married or in ministry. I did not necessarily leave either one by choice. In many ways I felt forced out. This doesn't make me a better person, it just means I wasn't good enough.

Maybe a more accurate way to say it is I was not a good fit.
Not for Jes. Not for ministry.

Does that mean I won't fit in any marriage or any ministry? I hope not because I believe in both of them. I have a sincere passion for both and I hope one day to find a greater success in each one. But for now I'm stuck. As they say I'm between a rock and a hard place. Here's why;

1. Post-Marriage "clean up" as we'll call it takes anywhere from 3-5 years or half of your marriage - This means I get very lonely for a long time while I wait and wait until I'm healthy enough to move on emotionally. I better have a lot of friends, or at least friends with benefits so I don't kill myself.
2. Post Ministry "re-discovery" where I don't believe a lot of the things that I did growing up so I sense not being able to fit in most churches to do ministry. There are only two churches I can say right now that align with similar views and beliefs about God and his community of believers. I'm not an evangelical. And I'm not a liberal. Or maybe I'm part evangelical and part liberal. Either way, I definitely don't have it figured out. I've actually undone a lot things and now I'm rebuilding them.

So here I am; a 27 year old nearly divorced pastor trying to find out what happened to my marriage and my ministry. I've been out of the ministry for a year and a half and out of my marriage for almost a year.

What's next? I am definitely torn between fighting my way back into the church and just letting it go until it comes around. I've always been a person to let things happen. I've found this to be a problem with women, however sometimes it is worth the wait. Forcing things often leads nowhere and letting evolution do its thing works miracles.

So I'll wait.
I'll make money.
I'll play music.
And one day I'll find my way back into something that is bigger than me.
The church?
The ONE Campaign to fight AIDS?
I guess we'll see.