predictions

at 4:59am early monday morning i awoke with an paralyzing fear that something was wrong. i couldn't tell what it was, then it hit me. here is my journal entry from that night.

"Have you ever had an overwhelming feeling that you were going to lose your life? I don’t know why or how it came over me, but it did. What am I facing? When will it happen? Am I confused or messed up on something that is perverting my mind?! I’m shaky, nervous and on edge. I am cold or getting cold. Getting closer.

I want to apologize for every wrong and hurtful thing I’ve done. I want to make right every relationship I’ve wronged. I want to be forgiven and free. The world and everything in it is changing and I am going to be left behind, or forced ahead. I am either escaping the mess or giving into destiny. Bravery is just behind me and I am reaching for it.

I am trying to distract myself and I can’t figure out why now this would sneak up on me. Rushing into my bloodstream are emotions, pain, fear, anxiety, and curiosity. I wish I had someone to talk to. God, is that you I am suppose to be listening or talking to? I give in, I am here for you. That is all that matters. I know I left the kind of Christianity that I grew up with but I never gave up on you. I need you now. I am changing and I want to be a part of your revolution. I want to be a revolutionary. Move my generation towards your way. Forgive us for our mistakes. Show us glory. Awake the dead and heal the broken. Bring us together. I don’t want to feel alone anymore. I seek truth. Give me eyes to see, ears to hear, and a heart to feel compassion for others.

I don’t want to rewind, erase or change anything about my life. I’ve felt heartbreak, I’ve seen lose, we’ve experienced pain together as a family and I ask for grace in me and my loved ones. Please help me see what you see. Help me be the person you would be.

I have made so many bad decisions I can’t even count them. I have been terribly selfish and ignorant with my actions. All I have been doing is hurting myself and hurting others, bringing destruction to everything I touch. That time is over, the day is new and I am changing. I ask and pray that you would allow this old self to die and the new person that you want me to be to rise from the ashes of my old skin. Let the things that matter in life pop out to me and help me to help others see those same things. May we have compassion for the needy. Hands that feed the poor. Ears that listen to the hurting. Grace to accept when we cannot do anything but give grace and accept people the way they are.

What a strange feeling I have felt tonight. Now help me rest in you, in the glory of you, in the mystery of you. I’m not sure what is going on, what I will and won’t face so surround us all prepare us all to move with you."

the next day i spoke with one of my closest friends about the night. we came to the conclusion that one, i am dying. two, in a metaphoric way my old life is now dead [as i got my divo papers this week and i'm losing or i've lost one of my best friends] while my new life is beginning to bloom. Or three i had a panic attack. i wonder about number one, i'm surprised about number three, and i think number two makes a lot of since.