i still haven't decided who is going to win the fight. god or the devil. they are fighting over me and i can feel it. that's a scary thing when evil approaches you and you get used to seeing it and feeling it close.
the only thing i am sure of is that i don't know what i want. i don't know who i am anymore. i did, i was sure that i had me figured out. i was a twenty two year old single young adult living in australia traveling around the country teaching others how to lead music in their church. i was stable in thought, in practice, in my relationships. then everything changed almost without warning. maybe i should have seen the signs.
now i'm reaching back trying to figure out what to take with me into the future and what i need to leave behind. i can't quite see who i am going to be in a year but i believe in that future person that i'm becoming. i guess me and everyone else have trouble believing in the me here and now.
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6 comments:
oh man can i relate to that struggle at times- but you know im here praying for you, and in so doing praying that the blood of our father would cover you and beat the piss outa satan... stay strong brother- i know its hard because ive been there but its possible and i believe in you and your ability to overcome the evil that surrounds you and the rest of us.
Happy 4th :)
Im kinda adding to my last post there, but-
I fuck up all the time. I won't say what, because I lack your courage and blatant honesty that we have seen, but I do. I am the person praying for you, but at the same time im struggling with my own war and pulling of satan that I am trying to fight. Some days I feel on top of the world, and others lower then dirt- wondering what people would think if they knew...your not alone in this struggle of good and evil pulling at your soul- im not even close to perfection or what others would think of me, im right there with you.
if you recognize the fight, then you're already ahead of the game.
to the anonymous poster above, it DOES take courage to be vulnerable. but who will judge you? how much do they love you? if you fear their reaction, then why do you care what they think of you?
again, our dependency on others is of utmost importance. when we are willing to be hurting and see that everybody else is hurting too, it's a liberating experience.
I went to IWU when you were there, and am also a worship leader, and I hope you can remember the satisfaction you only get from leading worship. Sure, I would be pissed at God (and my ex, my friends, education, etc.) if I got divorced, but I don't think it would erase that true satisfaction from my mind.
anon4, divorce has not erased who i was or what i've learned and i'm not mad at god, jes, or anything else. this blog is a place for me to be honest about my failures and reflect on what things i'm struggling through and striving to overcome. i wish more people had the guts to be honest because it's been so helpful to just get it out there and interact with people dealing with similar dysfunctional situations.
Well described... the fight between God and the devil with you as the prize... and of course you are not uninvolved in the result of that fight... my prayful support is with you... as you know... --coach
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