i have not been able to make up my mind about many things. this is a problem. the people i've known who resist making decisions end up on a road literally to nowhere. unfortunately that's been my life over the last six months. no goals, no plans, no destinations. but...i'm changing.
i've evolved over the last few years in thought and theory which means you can't pin me as any one thing. i'm some kind of mix like a half breed [refer to the joke in legends of the fall]. i'm not black or white, rich or poor, smart or stupid, just a average person fighting my way through what i used to believe and what i'm believing. the trouble is finding how those two go together. i find myself reaching back into history and believing in things older than the modern era. i've become fairly liberal on several issues and remained conservative on others. politically i'm like a demopublican!
i've spent the last year reading and searching for truth and hoping that i could get back to some state of constancy. i feel that time approaching. lately i am a square person trying to fit into a round church. or maybe i'm a round person trying to fit into a square church. either way it's been difficult for me to sense any parallel to churches because i meet people that are either post-christian fuck ups (my apologies) or modern-day evangelicals. i love both of these people but i can't say we mesh when it comes to foundational statements about scripture, humanity, practice, and even dare i say some theology.
i sat in church last night and for the first time in a long time felt good about being there. i didn't agree with everything the guy was saying (halfway because i haven't made up my mind yet), but it was good to just be among a faith community. i even enjoyed the music a little, shh don't tell anyone.
there's been some urgency in me to get back into this kind of community. ultimately i want to be in a place that is truly about figuring it (god and humanity) out together. a place that is open to people questioning and wrestling through issues and not necessarily having all the answers. some answers are good, but assuming that we are right about every issue is a joke. there are things that i believe in firmly, maybe even things i'd give my life for, but many things i have opinions about i'd never die for.
for now i'll keep going to churches that are who i used to be and hopefully one day finding a church (or starting one) that is who i am becoming.
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7 comments:
hmmm. good thoughts, justin.
anytime you want to reunite at 'the steps' i'll be there :) ... i am waiting for that. hoping for that.
"there's been some urgency in me to get back into this kind of community. ultimately i want to be in a place that is truly about figuring it (god and humanity) out together. a place that is open to people questioning and wrestling through issues and not necessarily having all the answers. some answers are good, but assuming that we are right about every issue is a joke."
I don't know how you feel about Deneff, but this is why he has become one of my fav. pastors. He would give a mixture of sermons which were factual and then other sermons which made you think...like the one about mary- first who does an entire sermon on a woman mentioned twice in the bible? and second he didnt say this is how it was etc. he was like think about it what if, what if... i also remember him doing a sermon on the realm of heaven and hell and how we usually think of them being above and below but what if, again, they are here with us just in another dimension?
I know you already know his preaching style, but your comment reminded me of him, and I dont know how many other people who read this have heard him preach before.
Also, I dont think ive mentioned this before, for those curious you can listen to college church on itunes podcast every sun. morn. thank you technology :)
deneff is one of the great mentor pastors i've worked with. his deep, well thought-out ideas are what make him great. he doesn't do anything halfway. he puts heart and soul into each thing he talks about. i hope to be like him one day.
I know- God has totally blessed him and I feel blessed to have known him and learn as much as I did just from his sun. sermons. Those were good times. :)
this probably doesn't help, but our pastor spoke on something similar to this last week.
he spoke from romans 13 the passage that talks about not serving meat for dinner if any of your guests have a conviction about not eating meat (even if YOU think it's okay)... christian fellowship isn't about being a square christian going to a square church where everyone agrees with him, the only way to keep peace... it should be compared to that children's toy, the box that every shape has an entrance to... we are called as christians to accept eachother's trivial differences and convictions. and that is how god calls us to love one another.
HOWEVER! i think there are a lot of church who have moved away from this and only take "square christians" or whatever shape. and this is why it is so difficult to find a church home, and why denominations tear eachother appart, everyone wants to be right. but there are issues where there are no answers...
all of this to say, i understand, and it is a shame that christians can't walk into ANY bible-believing church, and feel totally enveloped in the love of fellow-believers... and i think this saddens our God.
that's precisely what i'm referring to corrie. i sat in a church this week that i didn't exactly agree with their overall doctrine about christianity, but i was happy to be there regardless. i'm reading about a guy who's met seven different jesus' since he was introduced to him as a boy. everything from the conservative protestant jesus to the eastern orthodox jesus.
if the big C church could figure out how to accept one another despite our differences then we'd give the world a clearer more accurate picture of jesus. the world doesn't get a jesus who's people are constantly fighting.
my personal challenge is figuring out how to sit through sermon after sermon that is completely irrelevant to what i believe as a christian. for example, trying to "win" the "lost" when i don't necessarily think the lost need winning. that many who christians assume are lost might actually be found. ahhh, anyway thanks for your response and listening to my exhaustive ramblings!
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