the good girl

after all these years i've finally realized the kind of girl i need to be with. now it's just a matter of finding her.

i'm scared of the good girl, spent too much time with the bad ones. can't figure out what went wrong or where it changed but the great loves of my life were sweet (otherwise known to me as good) girls. the girl i should be with is a sweet person and i know because that's who i've always been drawn to. that's who makes me smile and cry and sacrifice.

i guess since i've become a bad boy a good girl will do nothing but make me good again. and for whatever reason that scares the shit out of me. but then i started thinking what is a good girl? someone who goes to bed early? someone who doesn't smoke, drink or have sexy time? i see a good girl as someone who has a heart for other people regardless of her actions. so am i really a bad boy? my actions speak louder than my words and my actions often make me look like a fool. but my heart (i hope) is good. it still beats with passion.

i've come across a few good girls in nashville and they have given up on me. it's the bad ones that want to keep me around. i think because i'm better than the bad ones and not quite as good as the good ones. in my quest for constancy and companionship i will not settle this time. i'll wait until i'm fifty if i have to in order that i might find a good girl. unfortunately they are like the kkk, not many left. well...not attractive ones anyway:)

fight or flight

wow, this is the bottom line. god speaks when you're not listening, or when you're suppose to be. how cliche to say that, but when your life feels like it has fallen apart and you hear "FIGHT OR FLIGHT" day after day after day you know that someone, somewhere is speaking truth into the deepest parts of who you are.

the night after feeling like i was going to die (refer to earlier blog: predictions) i faced this saying the next day. Fight or Flight. the following day i sat in a sanctuary while the pastor talked about Fight or Flight. the friday after that i sat with a therapist while conversing about Fight or Flight. this tells me something. whatever is going on in my chaotic neurotic existence, i am being beckoned to fight for my past, my future, my present, and probably even my heart and soul. everything that's led me to this point is telling me my life is meant for something more than the meaningless obsession of cumbersome ordinaries. so i search and dig and crawl towards the things and people that matter. you are a part of that, i hope we can do this together.

fuzz

nashville may just eat you up and spit you out. it's one of those cities, you know, where the people, the industry, the pace, the freedom, the movement might jar you into another adolescence. nashville is that city for me. as much as a person can have an obsession with a 533 square mile city, i would have it. quite honestly i'm smitten. the combination of landscapes, the economy, and most importantly the people bring out a satisfaction that only true contentment can reveal.

last night i spent four hours with 12 people who i dearly admire painting large pieces of birch wood that would make artwork for our apartment. a bottle of wine, a six pack of pete's wicked ale, and twelve PBR's later we had ourselves an entire outfit for our home.
i have not felt settled and warm and fuzzy about anything in a long time. but last night it happened. it was like being in love with a person, but instead i was in love with "a people". as i sat on the floor painting, I watched people and realized how important they had become to me. moving to nashville has been one of the best decisions i've made in a lot of years. it has embraced me and i've embraced it back:)

idealism of a matriarchal society [part 1]

there is more weight behind these words than i probably comprehend. [the first part of] what i am trying to get at is the fierce pressure society and media place on western civilization to be something. every person i meet has an idea of who they want to meet. if you don't fit with their standard of idealism, then you're out. same is true for relationships. i can't tell you how many people i talk to that can never find a significant relationship because their ideal is so perverted and naive. humanity is faulty, every person is facing failure around the next corner. it's a part of who we are. we exist and it exists along side us.

the beauty of reconciling my mind with the endless inaccurate observations of ideals is what freedom it gives me to love. my arms stretch further now that i don't limit who i want in my life and who i don't. my network of friends continues to broaden as i embrace even the most fragmented people. this is where i'm trying to live and it's what i hope i can continue to do more of. love harder and deeper and fuller than i have. people matter, all of them.

i have a secret

get out of the new one if you can't lend your hand

sometimes you can't deny the subtle perfection of timing.

success, failure, every perfect and beautiful moment exists as a result of timing. think of every brilliant artist, poet, songwriter, novelist, they all created something in a period of history that made sense. Dylan and "how many roads must a man walk down" or Upton Sinclair with "the jungle" just appeared when america (maybe even the world) needed to hear what they had to say.

i wonder who is speaking now. our generation is ready to move and i feel the road beginning crumble. there are song writers, film makers, and authors with a growing conviction to bring awareness to each young mind. they are spreading truth to the western world one kid at a time. this is especially true in urban areas where people are extremely tuned in to their diet, their environment and their community. almost every one of my dearest friends in nashville give themselves to some kind of service. whether they help out at a local inner city high school or choose to eat foods that deny the money-hungry beoches who are rapidly killing america, all of us are trying to make a change for the better.

maybe in a decade or two we'll see the great voices of our time, but for now i'll look for people like you and me who are making small decisions in order to see a big change.

2

i smoke two kinds of cigarette's. american spirits and nat shermans.
i've had two great loves. sandra and jessica.
i play two guitars. taylor dread and an 84' tele.
i do two things after work. sleep and drink a PBR with courtney (or john or paul or ben).
i have two pairs of shoes. black beatle boots and girl flip flops from walmart.
i like two women. caylin and ari.
i love two kinds of music. folk and rock n' roll.
i'd die for two things. my family and my friends.
i want only one thing, love.

strange

it's a strange feeling when you realize you're more into yourself than everyone else is. i think that begs for a change.

the nook

slowly now i'd like to find a woman who'll make her way to my nook. you know, that little place between my neck and my shoulder:)

predictions

at 4:59am early monday morning i awoke with an paralyzing fear that something was wrong. i couldn't tell what it was, then it hit me. here is my journal entry from that night.

"Have you ever had an overwhelming feeling that you were going to lose your life? I don’t know why or how it came over me, but it did. What am I facing? When will it happen? Am I confused or messed up on something that is perverting my mind?! I’m shaky, nervous and on edge. I am cold or getting cold. Getting closer.

I want to apologize for every wrong and hurtful thing I’ve done. I want to make right every relationship I’ve wronged. I want to be forgiven and free. The world and everything in it is changing and I am going to be left behind, or forced ahead. I am either escaping the mess or giving into destiny. Bravery is just behind me and I am reaching for it.

I am trying to distract myself and I can’t figure out why now this would sneak up on me. Rushing into my bloodstream are emotions, pain, fear, anxiety, and curiosity. I wish I had someone to talk to. God, is that you I am suppose to be listening or talking to? I give in, I am here for you. That is all that matters. I know I left the kind of Christianity that I grew up with but I never gave up on you. I need you now. I am changing and I want to be a part of your revolution. I want to be a revolutionary. Move my generation towards your way. Forgive us for our mistakes. Show us glory. Awake the dead and heal the broken. Bring us together. I don’t want to feel alone anymore. I seek truth. Give me eyes to see, ears to hear, and a heart to feel compassion for others.

I don’t want to rewind, erase or change anything about my life. I’ve felt heartbreak, I’ve seen lose, we’ve experienced pain together as a family and I ask for grace in me and my loved ones. Please help me see what you see. Help me be the person you would be.

I have made so many bad decisions I can’t even count them. I have been terribly selfish and ignorant with my actions. All I have been doing is hurting myself and hurting others, bringing destruction to everything I touch. That time is over, the day is new and I am changing. I ask and pray that you would allow this old self to die and the new person that you want me to be to rise from the ashes of my old skin. Let the things that matter in life pop out to me and help me to help others see those same things. May we have compassion for the needy. Hands that feed the poor. Ears that listen to the hurting. Grace to accept when we cannot do anything but give grace and accept people the way they are.

What a strange feeling I have felt tonight. Now help me rest in you, in the glory of you, in the mystery of you. I’m not sure what is going on, what I will and won’t face so surround us all prepare us all to move with you."

the next day i spoke with one of my closest friends about the night. we came to the conclusion that one, i am dying. two, in a metaphoric way my old life is now dead [as i got my divo papers this week and i'm losing or i've lost one of my best friends] while my new life is beginning to bloom. Or three i had a panic attack. i wonder about number one, i'm surprised about number three, and i think number two makes a lot of since.

i've disappointed myself terribly today.

yesterday

dylan thomas

the story of how i became a dylan fan.

those of you that knew me before will think i'm nuts. those of you that know me now will think i'm brilliant. so here is the story of how i became a dylan fan.

a month after i separated from jes i put together one of the greatest heartbreak mixes you've ever heard. no one will ever hear this mix, however, remember in the 80's and 90's when you'd make mix tapes on cassette? all this digital bull shit with mp3's just doesn't compare to the classic sound of an analog record or tape. last week i bought a westinghouse record player that sounds...oh so perfect.

anyway, one of the songs that helped me through the breakup was bob dylan's, "it ain't me, babe". every word is a direct reference to the story of jes and i. it was word for word our story and the reason why our marriage failed. after listening to this probably a few hundred times i started listening to some other songs by dylan. he has become one of the greatest writer's i've ever known. his lyrics speak to me as though he is a prophet, not only to the generation of his time, but this generation i live in now. he is more spiritual and prophetic than most people realize. wednesday of next week i will see him at the ryman auditorium (known as one of the greatest stages for any and every artist to play on).

in relation to life and reality he has awakened my heart and mind to the beauty and power of beautiful poetry.

"go away from my window
leave at your own chosen speed.
i'm not the one you want babe,
i'm not the one you need.
you say you're looking for someone
who's never weak but always strong
to protect you and defend you
whether you are right or wrong
someone to open each and every door,
it ain't me babe, no no no it ain't me babe, it ain't me you're looking for.
go away from that ledge babe,
go lightly on the ground.
i'm not the one you want babe
i will only let you down.
you say you're looking for someone
who will promise never to part
someone to close his eyes for you
someone to close his heart.
someone who die for you and more
it ain't me babe, no no no it ain't me babe, it ain't me you're looking for.
go melt back into night babe
everything inside is made of stone.
there's nothing in here moving
and anyway i'm not alone.
you say you're looking for someone
to pick you up each time you fall
to gather flowers constantly
and to come each time you call.
a lover for your life and nothing more
it ain't me babe, no no no it ain't me babe, it ain't me you're looking for."

i am an actor

for whatever reason when i moved to nashville i ended up being friends with a little gang of kids. everyone i know here is between 19-24. my closest friends are 21, 22, 23. that puts me 7 years ahead of my youngest friend. 7 years! sometimes i really feel like i'm acting. no one realizes i'm 28 until they see that obnoxious receding hairline that's creeping back very quickly.

i've been acting for about 7 months and i'm getting pretty good at it, though i often feel my age difference more than they do. it's probably because i've been through college, through a marriage, through a divorce (mostly), in and out of friendships and occasionally around the world. many of my friends skipped out on college, rarely if ever get out of the country and sure as hell haven't been married. how can they relate? how can i relate? yet we enjoy each other's company and we rarely even realize how far apart we really are. i guess it has it's pros and cons.

submarines and trains

i woke up next to a thief the difference was she wasn't staring at me god those days were so damn good we'd revel in the confidence of our skin now every time i ask her to my room she stands me up for some other guy i guess we're better off this way you and me we disagree it's in the way we kissed it's in the way we held each other i wouldn't change it if i could what things remain on submarines and trains i woke up next to a queen but this time she held a picture of me we talked awhile about the years how the sky went dark and her eyes went grey now every time she asks me to her room i stand her up for some other gal i guess we're better off this way you and me we disagree.

to add on to the last post...

when they stole my phone i lost all of my contacts. if you'd call me so i have your number, or send me a text i'd be pretty psyched! cheers.

mugged by a thugg

i haven't even thought about this blog in like a month, so for anyone who actually checks it, my deepest most profound apologies. i've been spending most of my time in an air conditioned electrified storage unit where I spend many-a-hours rehearsing la musica. but you didn't come for that, so now for the dirt...

i'm walking home from Peter Barbee's hows when two young black thugs asked to use my cell phone. i kindly agreed and helped the fella call a "friend". after fumbling around for a few minutes on my phone he said, "i think i got it". then like a bolt of lighting to my face the guy punches me without warning. in a state of shock, we wrestled each other to the ground as he demanded the wallet from my back pocket. for what probably lasted ten minutes i tried to calm the kid down while we wrestled, telling him if he needs something, i'd gladly help him out. i guess the kid just wanted to fight for it.

unfortunately i often carry cash because of my business, so as i'm reluctantly pulling out my money his friend enters in the fight. the two punks are trying to take my wallet and i'm fighting for my bling. finally in order to get these guys off my back i threw the cash on the ground and they took off running. i got up and chased them until i couldn't breathe anymore. they were gone. $140.00 cash, a $300 cell phone and a black eye.

three cops show up and question the entire house of where i thought i saw the guy go. they did a line up for me and everything. but no luck.

this incident has brought more frustration, anger, and compassion than i've felt for a long time. these thugs who feel like they have no way out of the endless african american cycle of poverty and injustice decide to rob generous people because that's who america tells them they are. Poor, second rate people that have no chance at a better life. yeah, maybe i'm being too kind for two punks who tried to beat the shit out of me, but i'm not going to be that white guy that responds as if all africans are bad people.

i think it makes me want to get involved in organized projects that help inner city kids make better decisions for their future. anyway, i'll leave you with a post picture from this morning after i woke up with a sore jaw, back, and fiercely intense headache.

bye susie bye

i was in love. it was spring and i couldn't help but feel the inescapable satisfaction of one body against the other. her name was susie and she made me feel like a man. i'd never been with someone like this, it was meant to be. every second together was a blissful mystery.

the time has come to give her up. i wave goodbye to another great love. next time i'll get a bigger, better, faster one and take her out across the country, maybe even europe. goodbye susie:)

tug

isn't it funny that everyone has to go through life accepting something about themselves. some people are fat and they have to deal with their weight. some people are bald[ing]and look for ways to cover it up. some people have no personality, they're socially incapable and slow to build any kind of relationship. some people are beautiful and smart and sexy but are consumed by it so much they never become involved in anyone else besides them.

well i'm short, white, balding, sometimes socially awkward and i try every day to accept who i am. i've been given so much more than many people, yet so much less than others. what digs at me is the tragedy that people deal with and how it corrupts their stability. everyone has an emotional make up that gets twisted at some point or another. parents, friends, lovers, you name it and if two people are involved in a relationship, things are bound to get ugly.i used to be stable, i used to be sane. blah blah blah. see, i'm living in the "used to be's". when will i conquer this? how can i win? why do i continue to lose one relationship after another?

somehow i have a strong tug towards hopelessness. but what is so fascinating is the deeper tug i have towards hope in the midst of my hopelessness.

i guess it's the sex

oh, well i don't know how to say this so i'll be blunt. i miss the sex. it can be so good, (occassionally average) but never bad from my experience. sex has definitely gotten better after marriage for many reasons that i won't go into here.

i realize that sex is not all there is to life, but let's be honest, it's a damn good part of it. i think we neither talk about it, or have it enough. once you've been down that road it's difficult to imagine the life of a virgin again. do they have 'second virgin winds' for people who get divorced and try not to have sex again? i would be interested to hear your thoughts on sex outside of marriage, especially post divorcees like me.