ok kids, the new blog...

here is the info...

www.bananaracket.blogspot.comjust chuck that into your favs and listen to me chatter:) welcome.

BananaRacket

i'm starting a new blog so stay tuned for the address as i'm working to finish up all the ideas and graphics. it'll be a fun way for you to keep track of a true living savage! love to you all my darlings.

exit music

well it's been a good trip but i think i'm over it. i've exhausted the diRt of a divorce and many other broken relationships and the days of whining and complaining are finally over. considering i'm not much of a writer and my insights are usually best for kids under 10 it's best that i close the door to my blog.

thanks for listening and responding (especially you anon assholes!) just kidding but seriously thank you. take care of yourselves.

you had your chance

i think if god wanted me to be a super christian again he missed his chance. when i met stephanie she embodied what i always wanted as a christian woman growing up. she was perfect. deeply caring for other people, sweet and generous. i knew she was special. stephanie made me feel like the old school justin i used to be. it felt right.

the difference between her and i is what holds her back is what holds me together. questions without answers, hope without fear, passion without preservation. all the things that made sense to me made no sense to her. she didn't see christianity the way i did. i could see in her trembling eyes it scared her. the cost of stepping out of what she's always done scared her. the cost of asking questions that she thought she knew the answers to drove her away.

i wanted to change back to who i was but i couldn't. what was lost will never be recovered. i am different now. emerging on sadistic maybe, but entirely normal, hopefully. i feel real now like i can connect with any anywhere in the world and it would be true. strange that i now get along better with people who don't associate themselves with christianity.

there will always be a part of me that misses stephanie. not because i loved her but because i loved the idea of her bringing me back to my old self and saving me from who i'm becoming. but then i died and everything that used to live in me is being rebirthed. i am living again and feel more full of life than ever.

the short story of happiness

we're sitting at the heorot enjoying a 22oz arrogant bastard when it hits us.

ande and i have been through a lot. affairs, divorces, lies, fakes, friends and moving back and forth across the country. in the just under two years that we've known each other we have felt and been through some of the deepest gut splintering emotions a man can have. we sat at the heorot and talked about our utter naivety towards happiness growing up. we believed happiness was out there and we've both had a few brief encounters with it.

for so many years i searched and searched but to no avail have i found happiness. i've heard about it. i've occasionally seen it but there is no constancy. so we've given up. we don't believe it to be real and in the midst of our post-tragic apologue we've discovered happiness while accepting the absence of it altogether. by finding contentment in the ordinary we have truly found our version of happiness.

my friend and genius mr. wik(ipedia) enlightened me that happiness is an emotion. that is why no one can truly keep it. emotions change along with life and events but contentment is the acceptance of what surrounds us. how settled i have felt since i've realized the flow of happiness and the acceptance of the mundane.

two-year life span

it finally occurred to me only a month ago that i'm dying. through a series of dreams, panic attacks, and therapy sessions i've concluded that whether i have six months or sixty years left in me i need to start living before i'm gone.

so i've accumulated idea after idea of what i want to do if i'm truly dying. here's the plan. i'm devoting two years to each dream i've always wanted to live out. right now that dream is rock n' roll. i will do whatever i can to play as many places around the world until it succeeds or fails. when that dream is done i will move onto being a snowboard champion or something like that!

as dark as this may sound i've accepted that we're all dying and a few of us are grabbing this life by the horns and riding it. give me a bull and i'll go out with glory!

they might be giants

i have stumbled upon a giant. i can't tell you how and i can't tell you why. the only thing i know is where the giant is going. destiny has dialed in and for a brief moment i may become a part of history. you will see.

the good girl

after all these years i've finally realized the kind of girl i need to be with. now it's just a matter of finding her.

i'm scared of the good girl, spent too much time with the bad ones. can't figure out what went wrong or where it changed but the great loves of my life were sweet (otherwise known to me as good) girls. the girl i should be with is a sweet person and i know because that's who i've always been drawn to. that's who makes me smile and cry and sacrifice.

i guess since i've become a bad boy a good girl will do nothing but make me good again. and for whatever reason that scares the shit out of me. but then i started thinking what is a good girl? someone who goes to bed early? someone who doesn't smoke, drink or have sexy time? i see a good girl as someone who has a heart for other people regardless of her actions. so am i really a bad boy? my actions speak louder than my words and my actions often make me look like a fool. but my heart (i hope) is good. it still beats with passion.

i've come across a few good girls in nashville and they have given up on me. it's the bad ones that want to keep me around. i think because i'm better than the bad ones and not quite as good as the good ones. in my quest for constancy and companionship i will not settle this time. i'll wait until i'm fifty if i have to in order that i might find a good girl. unfortunately they are like the kkk, not many left. well...not attractive ones anyway:)

fight or flight

wow, this is the bottom line. god speaks when you're not listening, or when you're suppose to be. how cliche to say that, but when your life feels like it has fallen apart and you hear "FIGHT OR FLIGHT" day after day after day you know that someone, somewhere is speaking truth into the deepest parts of who you are.

the night after feeling like i was going to die (refer to earlier blog: predictions) i faced this saying the next day. Fight or Flight. the following day i sat in a sanctuary while the pastor talked about Fight or Flight. the friday after that i sat with a therapist while conversing about Fight or Flight. this tells me something. whatever is going on in my chaotic neurotic existence, i am being beckoned to fight for my past, my future, my present, and probably even my heart and soul. everything that's led me to this point is telling me my life is meant for something more than the meaningless obsession of cumbersome ordinaries. so i search and dig and crawl towards the things and people that matter. you are a part of that, i hope we can do this together.

fuzz

nashville may just eat you up and spit you out. it's one of those cities, you know, where the people, the industry, the pace, the freedom, the movement might jar you into another adolescence. nashville is that city for me. as much as a person can have an obsession with a 533 square mile city, i would have it. quite honestly i'm smitten. the combination of landscapes, the economy, and most importantly the people bring out a satisfaction that only true contentment can reveal.

last night i spent four hours with 12 people who i dearly admire painting large pieces of birch wood that would make artwork for our apartment. a bottle of wine, a six pack of pete's wicked ale, and twelve PBR's later we had ourselves an entire outfit for our home.
i have not felt settled and warm and fuzzy about anything in a long time. but last night it happened. it was like being in love with a person, but instead i was in love with "a people". as i sat on the floor painting, I watched people and realized how important they had become to me. moving to nashville has been one of the best decisions i've made in a lot of years. it has embraced me and i've embraced it back:)

idealism of a matriarchal society [part 1]

there is more weight behind these words than i probably comprehend. [the first part of] what i am trying to get at is the fierce pressure society and media place on western civilization to be something. every person i meet has an idea of who they want to meet. if you don't fit with their standard of idealism, then you're out. same is true for relationships. i can't tell you how many people i talk to that can never find a significant relationship because their ideal is so perverted and naive. humanity is faulty, every person is facing failure around the next corner. it's a part of who we are. we exist and it exists along side us.

the beauty of reconciling my mind with the endless inaccurate observations of ideals is what freedom it gives me to love. my arms stretch further now that i don't limit who i want in my life and who i don't. my network of friends continues to broaden as i embrace even the most fragmented people. this is where i'm trying to live and it's what i hope i can continue to do more of. love harder and deeper and fuller than i have. people matter, all of them.

i have a secret

get out of the new one if you can't lend your hand

sometimes you can't deny the subtle perfection of timing.

success, failure, every perfect and beautiful moment exists as a result of timing. think of every brilliant artist, poet, songwriter, novelist, they all created something in a period of history that made sense. Dylan and "how many roads must a man walk down" or Upton Sinclair with "the jungle" just appeared when america (maybe even the world) needed to hear what they had to say.

i wonder who is speaking now. our generation is ready to move and i feel the road beginning crumble. there are song writers, film makers, and authors with a growing conviction to bring awareness to each young mind. they are spreading truth to the western world one kid at a time. this is especially true in urban areas where people are extremely tuned in to their diet, their environment and their community. almost every one of my dearest friends in nashville give themselves to some kind of service. whether they help out at a local inner city high school or choose to eat foods that deny the money-hungry beoches who are rapidly killing america, all of us are trying to make a change for the better.

maybe in a decade or two we'll see the great voices of our time, but for now i'll look for people like you and me who are making small decisions in order to see a big change.

2

i smoke two kinds of cigarette's. american spirits and nat shermans.
i've had two great loves. sandra and jessica.
i play two guitars. taylor dread and an 84' tele.
i do two things after work. sleep and drink a PBR with courtney (or john or paul or ben).
i have two pairs of shoes. black beatle boots and girl flip flops from walmart.
i like two women. caylin and ari.
i love two kinds of music. folk and rock n' roll.
i'd die for two things. my family and my friends.
i want only one thing, love.

strange

it's a strange feeling when you realize you're more into yourself than everyone else is. i think that begs for a change.

the nook

slowly now i'd like to find a woman who'll make her way to my nook. you know, that little place between my neck and my shoulder:)

predictions

at 4:59am early monday morning i awoke with an paralyzing fear that something was wrong. i couldn't tell what it was, then it hit me. here is my journal entry from that night.

"Have you ever had an overwhelming feeling that you were going to lose your life? I don’t know why or how it came over me, but it did. What am I facing? When will it happen? Am I confused or messed up on something that is perverting my mind?! I’m shaky, nervous and on edge. I am cold or getting cold. Getting closer.

I want to apologize for every wrong and hurtful thing I’ve done. I want to make right every relationship I’ve wronged. I want to be forgiven and free. The world and everything in it is changing and I am going to be left behind, or forced ahead. I am either escaping the mess or giving into destiny. Bravery is just behind me and I am reaching for it.

I am trying to distract myself and I can’t figure out why now this would sneak up on me. Rushing into my bloodstream are emotions, pain, fear, anxiety, and curiosity. I wish I had someone to talk to. God, is that you I am suppose to be listening or talking to? I give in, I am here for you. That is all that matters. I know I left the kind of Christianity that I grew up with but I never gave up on you. I need you now. I am changing and I want to be a part of your revolution. I want to be a revolutionary. Move my generation towards your way. Forgive us for our mistakes. Show us glory. Awake the dead and heal the broken. Bring us together. I don’t want to feel alone anymore. I seek truth. Give me eyes to see, ears to hear, and a heart to feel compassion for others.

I don’t want to rewind, erase or change anything about my life. I’ve felt heartbreak, I’ve seen lose, we’ve experienced pain together as a family and I ask for grace in me and my loved ones. Please help me see what you see. Help me be the person you would be.

I have made so many bad decisions I can’t even count them. I have been terribly selfish and ignorant with my actions. All I have been doing is hurting myself and hurting others, bringing destruction to everything I touch. That time is over, the day is new and I am changing. I ask and pray that you would allow this old self to die and the new person that you want me to be to rise from the ashes of my old skin. Let the things that matter in life pop out to me and help me to help others see those same things. May we have compassion for the needy. Hands that feed the poor. Ears that listen to the hurting. Grace to accept when we cannot do anything but give grace and accept people the way they are.

What a strange feeling I have felt tonight. Now help me rest in you, in the glory of you, in the mystery of you. I’m not sure what is going on, what I will and won’t face so surround us all prepare us all to move with you."

the next day i spoke with one of my closest friends about the night. we came to the conclusion that one, i am dying. two, in a metaphoric way my old life is now dead [as i got my divo papers this week and i'm losing or i've lost one of my best friends] while my new life is beginning to bloom. Or three i had a panic attack. i wonder about number one, i'm surprised about number three, and i think number two makes a lot of since.

i've disappointed myself terribly today.

yesterday

dylan thomas

the story of how i became a dylan fan.

those of you that knew me before will think i'm nuts. those of you that know me now will think i'm brilliant. so here is the story of how i became a dylan fan.

a month after i separated from jes i put together one of the greatest heartbreak mixes you've ever heard. no one will ever hear this mix, however, remember in the 80's and 90's when you'd make mix tapes on cassette? all this digital bull shit with mp3's just doesn't compare to the classic sound of an analog record or tape. last week i bought a westinghouse record player that sounds...oh so perfect.

anyway, one of the songs that helped me through the breakup was bob dylan's, "it ain't me, babe". every word is a direct reference to the story of jes and i. it was word for word our story and the reason why our marriage failed. after listening to this probably a few hundred times i started listening to some other songs by dylan. he has become one of the greatest writer's i've ever known. his lyrics speak to me as though he is a prophet, not only to the generation of his time, but this generation i live in now. he is more spiritual and prophetic than most people realize. wednesday of next week i will see him at the ryman auditorium (known as one of the greatest stages for any and every artist to play on).

in relation to life and reality he has awakened my heart and mind to the beauty and power of beautiful poetry.

"go away from my window
leave at your own chosen speed.
i'm not the one you want babe,
i'm not the one you need.
you say you're looking for someone
who's never weak but always strong
to protect you and defend you
whether you are right or wrong
someone to open each and every door,
it ain't me babe, no no no it ain't me babe, it ain't me you're looking for.
go away from that ledge babe,
go lightly on the ground.
i'm not the one you want babe
i will only let you down.
you say you're looking for someone
who will promise never to part
someone to close his eyes for you
someone to close his heart.
someone who die for you and more
it ain't me babe, no no no it ain't me babe, it ain't me you're looking for.
go melt back into night babe
everything inside is made of stone.
there's nothing in here moving
and anyway i'm not alone.
you say you're looking for someone
to pick you up each time you fall
to gather flowers constantly
and to come each time you call.
a lover for your life and nothing more
it ain't me babe, no no no it ain't me babe, it ain't me you're looking for."