ok kids, the new blog...

here is the info...

www.bananaracket.blogspot.comjust chuck that into your favs and listen to me chatter:) welcome.

BananaRacket

i'm starting a new blog so stay tuned for the address as i'm working to finish up all the ideas and graphics. it'll be a fun way for you to keep track of a true living savage! love to you all my darlings.

exit music

well it's been a good trip but i think i'm over it. i've exhausted the diRt of a divorce and many other broken relationships and the days of whining and complaining are finally over. considering i'm not much of a writer and my insights are usually best for kids under 10 it's best that i close the door to my blog.

thanks for listening and responding (especially you anon assholes!) just kidding but seriously thank you. take care of yourselves.

you had your chance

i think if god wanted me to be a super christian again he missed his chance. when i met stephanie she embodied what i always wanted as a christian woman growing up. she was perfect. deeply caring for other people, sweet and generous. i knew she was special. stephanie made me feel like the old school justin i used to be. it felt right.

the difference between her and i is what holds her back is what holds me together. questions without answers, hope without fear, passion without preservation. all the things that made sense to me made no sense to her. she didn't see christianity the way i did. i could see in her trembling eyes it scared her. the cost of stepping out of what she's always done scared her. the cost of asking questions that she thought she knew the answers to drove her away.

i wanted to change back to who i was but i couldn't. what was lost will never be recovered. i am different now. emerging on sadistic maybe, but entirely normal, hopefully. i feel real now like i can connect with any anywhere in the world and it would be true. strange that i now get along better with people who don't associate themselves with christianity.

there will always be a part of me that misses stephanie. not because i loved her but because i loved the idea of her bringing me back to my old self and saving me from who i'm becoming. but then i died and everything that used to live in me is being rebirthed. i am living again and feel more full of life than ever.

the short story of happiness

we're sitting at the heorot enjoying a 22oz arrogant bastard when it hits us.

ande and i have been through a lot. affairs, divorces, lies, fakes, friends and moving back and forth across the country. in the just under two years that we've known each other we have felt and been through some of the deepest gut splintering emotions a man can have. we sat at the heorot and talked about our utter naivety towards happiness growing up. we believed happiness was out there and we've both had a few brief encounters with it.

for so many years i searched and searched but to no avail have i found happiness. i've heard about it. i've occasionally seen it but there is no constancy. so we've given up. we don't believe it to be real and in the midst of our post-tragic apologue we've discovered happiness while accepting the absence of it altogether. by finding contentment in the ordinary we have truly found our version of happiness.

my friend and genius mr. wik(ipedia) enlightened me that happiness is an emotion. that is why no one can truly keep it. emotions change along with life and events but contentment is the acceptance of what surrounds us. how settled i have felt since i've realized the flow of happiness and the acceptance of the mundane.

two-year life span

it finally occurred to me only a month ago that i'm dying. through a series of dreams, panic attacks, and therapy sessions i've concluded that whether i have six months or sixty years left in me i need to start living before i'm gone.

so i've accumulated idea after idea of what i want to do if i'm truly dying. here's the plan. i'm devoting two years to each dream i've always wanted to live out. right now that dream is rock n' roll. i will do whatever i can to play as many places around the world until it succeeds or fails. when that dream is done i will move onto being a snowboard champion or something like that!

as dark as this may sound i've accepted that we're all dying and a few of us are grabbing this life by the horns and riding it. give me a bull and i'll go out with glory!

they might be giants

i have stumbled upon a giant. i can't tell you how and i can't tell you why. the only thing i know is where the giant is going. destiny has dialed in and for a brief moment i may become a part of history. you will see.